About Me, My Family, and My Tears

Believe me, you don’t want to go to a family movie with me. That’s if you don’t like people who cry during the movie. And I cry. Oh, yes I can definitely cry. I cry a lot, a WHOLE lot. Especially if the movie has something that just touches your heart and plays with it and squeezes it and just tortures it. Movies like The Last Song (2010).

I just finished re-watching the movie for one simple reason: boredom. How I deeply regret it now that I double-clicked on the 700MB video clip. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I hate the movie–in fact, I love it, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s just that it makes me miss my family so much, every time.

I love my family. I want them to know that much for sure. I have been in Malaysia for more than two years now, but I still can’t get through a single semester without breaking apart.There will be a time when I cry so much and I feel such pain in my heart thinking about how all my family members are so far away at home. Tonight is one of those times.

The four most important people in my life.

There are times when I feel really guilty about everything. I know that my parents love me. They love me so much, and they trust me, and they believe in me. That is why they were willing to send me kilometers away from home to study in a foreign country where I would be alone. I could be a bad girl if I wanted to. I could skip classes, I could wear provocative dresses, I could drink alcohol and eat pork, I could do so many bad things that I couldn’t do back at home because my parents were there. But no, I didn’t do any of those things, and I won’t. I am still a good girl, their first daughter who they know is trying to make them proud. But I still feel like I’m not doing good enough. I know my parents aren’t rich, they don’t have that much money, but they still give me everything I have today even though I don’t deserve it. It breaks my heart knowing that I can’t do anything for them now as of yet. There are so many things I want to do for them, but I can’t. Not now. Not yet.

And of course, there are times when I feel very thankful. I thank God every day that I am my parents’ daughter. I thank God for everything I have today. My family is the best. I really, really appreciate them. I want them to know just how much I love them even though I can’t really express it with words. Sometimes I am enveloped in a big fear that God is going to take them away from me soon. I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel if He really took them. Every time I watch those movies in which a character loses a person who is precious to them, I just can’t hold back my tears. Please, God, not them. Not now. I can’t imagine a life without them. They are my everything, and I mean it. They are my everything.

Ya Allah, Rabbi, please keep them safe. Please keep them healthy, and happy, and please look out for them. Please don’t let anything bad happen to them. Please don’t take them away from me. Please let there be another “Hello” after every “Good bye”. Please let them understand how much they mean to me. Please let them know how much I love them.

Please love them as much as I do.

“Sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes it makes you love them more.”

- Steve Miller

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